Rogue's Gallery
A list of characters armed with a flair for the absurd. Some have been caught, while others are on the run.
CAPTURED
Julien "TOOTHPICK" Tauriello
Toothpick was wanted for the usual: bribery, racketeering and a heist involving a batch of ultra-rare Queen Elizabeth Silver Jubilee ceremonial plates.
While being a rather slippery adversary, his Achilles Heel is well-prepared chocolate mousse.
The Fed’s set up a sting operation at the local train-themed restaurant, and hired world renown chocolate mousse chef André Mèche Frisée. True to his vice, Toothpick showed up with his lucky dessert spoon, and was hauled away in handcuffs shortly thereafter.
Guess the spoon wasn’t that lucky.
Known in the media as the “Boosted Mousse in the Caboose,” the arrest made the headlines and Toothpick awaits arraignment.
WANTED
Colonel Vinzenz "EISERNER BLEISTIFT" ("Iron Pencil") Ohlendorf
Known for his distinctive facial scar, weird eyeglasses and raging addiction for pistachios. His scar was the result of a Mensur duel with a fellow officer, when he failed to parry and his face collided with his opponent’s Glockenschläger. This was the best outcome, since duel scars were considered badges of honor.
His distinctive eyewear was the result of a fateful day while practicing the broad stroke in a pond during a lightning storm. His optic nerves were overloaded (but still functioning), and he became critically sensitive to light. The General’s surgeon who was a budding experimentalist with new technologies, crafted a pair of radium-infused glasses that not only blocked most unwanted light, but gave him the ability to see more clearly in the dark.
The Radium eventually poisoned him, causing a psychosis that led him to develop a maniacal cackle and weird ambitions such as building an industrial laser that erases buildings.
WANTED
Ambros Mucho
Ambros Jucho the Blustery Barber of the Baltics. Also known as the “Calloused Coiffer,” Jucho is a gifted barber and just received his level ten straight razor confirmation from the Tonsorial Concern, the officially recognized organization to push forward the art of the shave.
Ambros is known for his cauliflower ears, the outcome of many Sambo matches and one unfortunate incident where his wife Svetlanka threw a meat tenderizer at him. Before getting his Barber’s license, he rode shotgun while protecting businessmen with impeccable
tailoring and bad attitudes.
WANTED
Nieves De Ville
Spanish Accountant, amateur Acupuncturist, with a
fascination with Nerium oleander cocktails. Easily recognizable by her mile-high hairdo and distinctive eye patch, De Valle is wanted by Spanish authorities after they found one of her “clients” with an overly abundant
number of acupuncture needles sticking out of every orifice and lacking a pulse.
Rumor is that she lost her eye during a spirited drinking game incident involving darts.
WANTED
Rudolf Baier
A professional Anesthesiologist who became insane from one too many self-medicating sessions. Baier regularly self-medicated while watching America’s Got Talent, so experts are at a loss which of them actually pushed him over the edge.
Baier can be identified by his peanut-shaped head, crazy stare, and a laugh that would make a hyena take notice.
Rudolf is a Person of Interest in a local bank robbery where one of the witnesses described the robber as “crazy looking clown with hair that seemed to be pressed between the pages of heavy-ass Encyclopedia.”
WANTED
Dr. Octavia Rosalind Kingston
This little doll is Dr. Octavia Rosalind Kingston. Coming in at just under 4’10” the diminutive doctor is mostly known for her raspy voice, bespoke fragrances, and a love for Rococo art. The good doctor and her crew were able to steal Feagonard’s masterwork follow up to “The Swing” entitled “The Seesaw.”
~
No doubt Kingston’s gymnastics training came in handy; and everyone was shocked at her ability to do the Jumping Jack Flash mid air splits to overcome the state-of-the-art laser alarm.
WANTED
Slavica Simi
Slavica Simic is Serbian Oxyacetylene welder and bass player for the Glitch hop group “Musk Wave.” She is known for her galloping compositions, achieved by her “1001 Box of Sounds” pedal and her Hentor Barbarian bass.
Simic has been running her dad’s underground Yahtzee Den ever since he was hauled off to the labor camps.
WANTED
Jana Kóreksdóttir
Icelandic Biohacker and cyberneticist Jana Kóreksdóttir who works under the alias “HammarDongle.” Jana specializes in tweaking bionic upgrades people are wearing in order to change outcomes in high stakes negotiations, sporting events and political races. For the right price, she will hack into your brain and make you lose bodily functions.
Remember when the President of Paraguay had that uncontrollable eye twitch when giving the speech about soybean exports? That was HammarDongle hooked into the President’s CPU upgrade provided by the Ôkino Nó Corporation.
