The Atomic Guide to Surviving Emergency Situations

Emergency situation #4: How to survive a zombie attack in a windowless bathroom I always get asked about this situation. Since a majority of zombie attacks occur while one is in the bathroom, it’s important to know what to do when disaster strikes. 1) Assess the enemy: What kind of zombies are they? Are they George Romero puss zombies or Resident Evil bad ass mutant zombies? Should they fall into the former category, you have half the battle won. These zombies are basically harmless, unless you let them chew on you. If they fall under the bad ass mutant category, then you could be in trouble. These zombies are aggressive, show intelligence, and are in dire need of some Listerine. 2) Soap yourself up: Since your only exit is through the hoard of the undead, the trick is to get through them as quickly as possible. If you stop moving while in the middle of a zombie gaggle, you are dead as dog dirt. So, the first step is to get naked. Don’t worry if you aren’t tan, you have more color than they do. And I promise you they won’t be offended if you have a few spare tires or a big butt. Find some soap, then get yourself wet. Work up a big lather, because once you are soapy, you are also slippery. They won’t be able to get their grimy paws on you. If you have shampoo, dump it in your hair. Even if it’s not the high priced salon style. 3) Arm yourself: Even though the odds are against you in finding an assault rifle and hand grenades in the shower, there are things you can arm yourself with. My favorite thing to use in zombie attacks is the shower curtain pole. Not only is it capable of spearing (keeping you safe from wandering zombie mouths), but you can use to commit battery in a number of ways. Other possible weapons: • Hair dryer set on the REAL HOT setting (make sure you have an extension cord) • Toothbrush: Use as a jabbing tool • Talcum Powder: Use to blind them • Lufa: No wait, bad idea. • Wet towel: Makes one hell of a whip. You may only succeed in chapping a few of their pale asses, but what the hell – you are working with limited material here. 4) Into the melee: Choose an attack phrase like “FUCK IT!!!!!”, “BONZAI!!!” or “I JUST SHIT MY PANTS!” It will help boost the adrenaline level just a tad. That might give you the edge you need. Jump into the fray using the bob and duck technique. It’s kind of like a powering a jackhammer during a rave. The idea is to move up and down with a forward momentum so that it's harder to get a hold on you. Don’t worry if you are a bad dancer. With any luck, you should be able to negotiate your way through even the rowdiest group of meat heads.